The Lawyer’s Bedtime Prayer

Bedtime prayer before law school:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.

Bedtime prayer after law school:

Now, at the present juncture, this day and age, this hour, at this moment, this instant, on this, the present occasion; I, myself, this particular individual and entity, of sound mind and body, alleged and represented to be Eric Lambert and sometimes referred to as “E” or “Lambert” (hereinafter referred to as “Party of the First Part” or “I”); reposit, assign, and consign, transmit, fix and establish said person, the above and aforementioned Party of the First Part, in a lowered (as compared to upright), reclined, inclined, horizontal and/or prostrated position, for and limited to the sole purpose of slumber, repose, sleep, unconsciousness, to pass out, hit the sack, get some shut-eye, rest in the arms of Morpheus, soundly and/or heavily, likened to a top and/or log (hereinafter “Sleep”), such Sleep to include but not be limited to dreaming, snoring sleepwalking, and/or any other activity occurring simultaneous with said Sleep, there to remain until the cessation, end, and termination of said Sleep period, regardless of the purpose of such termination (notwithstanding the foregoing, if such Sleep is temporarily suspended for any purpose whatsoever at the sole discretion of the Party of the First Part, for the purposes of this Agreement, said Sleep shall not be deemed ceased, ended, or otherwise terminated);

I, myself, this person, this particular individual and entity aforementioned and now referred to as the Party of the First Part, does hereby immediately, directly and forthwith propose, request and petition, make bold to ask, put to and call upon, court, pray, seek to entreat, and implore, besiege, importune and adjure, beg and beseech, without limitation, the divine deity, godship, godhead, omnipotent and omniscient spirit (i.e., supreme being, soul, higher power, providence, King of kings, Queen of queens, Lord of lords, almighty One, God, absolute being, infinite cause, source, universal mind, nature, all powerful, eternal being, all knowing, all wise) generally accepted by the Party of the First Part as the recognized deity, godship, godhead, omnipotent and omniscient spirit for such party’s religious affiliation as of the date this Agreement becomes effective (hereinafter individually and collectively referred to as “God”); my, the aforementioned party of the first part, essence, fundamental true being, inmost nature, core, inner and esoteric reality, soul, vital center, essential quality, quiddity pith, kernel, nucleus, inmost recesses of the heart, spirit, prana, life force (hereinafter “Soul”); to take custody of, guard, watch over, sustain and preserve for the safe keeping of, auspicious and secure and cautious surveillance of, to protect, hold and keep as a bailee, with all rights and liabilities appertaining thereto, and such conveyance shall constitute and consist of a bailment (such bailment shall not be construed as granting any direct or indirect property rights to any portion of said Soul, and ultimate right, title and/or ownership to and in such Soul shall remain with the bailee until such time as the bailment is extinguished by operation of law or otherwise).

In the event that I, the aforementioned person, now known as the Party of the First Part, should expire, end, cease to live, die, extinguish the mortal light, leave this physical plane, experience my demise, desist, quit this world, make my exit, leave the building, pass on, pass away, meet my end, shuffle off this mortal coil, relinquish or surrender my life, yield the ghost, give up my breath, go out like the snuff of a candle, regardless of whether such expiration is due to negligent, reckless, knowing, or intentional actions proximately caused by the Party of the First Part, or is due to negligent, reckless, knowing, or intentional actions by a third party, prior to and preceding the cessation, end and/or termination of said Sleep, pass from the sleeping to a walking state, rouse myself, or warm to the day, but not including the temporary regaining of consciousness prior to the dawn, the morning light, the start of the day, and/or the first rays of the sun;

I, the party of the first part, implore, beg, and beseech, invoke and entreat, pray, humbly ask thee almighty, ever present unifier of all persons, places and things, mammals, fish, birds and insects, including but not limited to humans, deer, salmon, bald eagles and mosquitoes, giver of boons, instiller of faith, healing source, one who gives endless love unconditionally, my, as in me and mine as in I, the party of the first part, of lower or mortal nature, spirit, atma, soul, bhuddi, vital force, inner principle, heart, mind and embodied breath, animating principle and true self, essence and substance of life, the divinity that stirs within, inner flame and seat of consciousness to; (if it pleases thee) appropriate, capture, obtain legal title to, take, seize, abduct with and acquire for, an infinite period of time, enter into possession of, and take responsibility for, obtain and rescue, pick up, gather in, capture, seize and hold, terminating the duties of said holder as bailee (see ΒΆ 2, last five (5) lines) and creating and vesting in said holder legal and equitable title to any and all property, tangible or intangible, contained in the bailment until such time as it shall be relinquished by said holder. Amen.

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